Date Review: The Inexperienced Dater

So I’m going to cheat a little bit and start out with a guy I actually went on two dates with back in late 2017 and the early part of 2018.  A bit of background ….

So if you remember, I quit online dating for the umpteenth time back in the fall last year.  Deleted the OKCupid profile. Deleted and wanted to burn Bumble, which has never treated me well. Gave Hinge the boot if you will! And overall felt quite free from the whole rat race. I was still seeing and hooking up with someone, so cobwebs weren’t like forming in my nether regions or anything. Life was good.

After Thanksgiving, my friend told me that her brother in law brought a friend to their Thanksgiving and he was about my age and single and would I want to go out with him. Never the one to ever say no to an actual set up – since they rarely happen anymore – I happily agreed and The Inexperienced Dater emailed me a couple days later.

Now a couple things about the mid 30s set up.  While I appreciate them, as they now feel very old timey to me and basically if there’s a chance to meet someone that does not involve swiping on a picture of them holding a fish or petting a baby tiger,  I’ll be first in line. However, there is something about them that makes you go huh.  The mid 30s set up honestly feels like a bit of a racket.  Yes, everyone is married and you’re not, so basically people just set up people who share that one trait in common, which is fine and all but it also feels a bit like last man on Earth levels here.  And while I appreciated the fix-up, I learned after two dates that the only thing that The Inexperienced Dater and I had in common was that we were both unlucky enough to be single in our mid 30s.

After the initial email screening where I determined he was at least probably not a serial killer, but also got the feeling he was somewhat serious and formal, we arranged for a date at a nearby bar to my house and had a couple drinks and a fine time.  We talked a lot about movies and I learned he was from the mid West, liked soccer, and worked in big pharma.  All in all it was a B date – good converstation but I didn’t feel anything totally physical towards him, though I’m trying to let that slow burn thing work for me despite that never being the case.

So I was all ready to write out my “You’re nice I just didn’t feel any chemistry ” text if he did ever get around to asking me out again, but instead …. he called me! And while I did not answer (life long call screener here), this one act of defiance took him out of the no second date column into the well actually that’s super grown up and mature and maybe he is worth going out on a second date with column!

I was away for the holidays so we agreed to go out in the new year and that took a couple of weeks to set up, so by the time we saw each other again it was mid January.  Now, there was always something slightly robotic about The Inexperienced Dater .  Perhaps he was on the spectrum. Perhaps he just doesn’t get a lot of dates. But his whole demeanor was just wooden and awkward to me, in some what of a sweet, well meaning kind of way, but one in which I found it really hard to think about any sort of bone jumping with him, and you know how I feel about bone jumping!

However, from the get go I always felt like this guy was a bit robotic and formal.  Case in point, how we set up date number two. The Inexperienced Dater’s modus operandi for the asking out concept was odd to me. Basically, he would suggest that he was doing something on X night, and if I wanted to I was welcome to come along.  I guess that’s a way to avoid some sort of rejection, because if I had said no, his plans could proceed as usual, just without me.

But I found it an odd technique.  So in this case, he wanted to go see The Post on Tuesday at a movie theater near my house, and it I wasn’t busy would I like to come along? I had been wanting to see that film, so said sure.  He then told me he was going to get something to eat near there at some takeout place, and again, asked me if that was something I wanted to take part in as well.  The whole thing felt so FORMAL. So I just started suggesting other places to go *together*, like one would do when you’re planning a date, and so we agreed to get nachos pre movie at bar near the movie theater.

So I roll into the restaurant an hour before movie time, and then I get a text from him saying that he misjudged the amount of time to get there, will be 30 minutes later, etc.  So I said no sweat, I’m here. I’ll order the food and whatever drink he wants so it will all be there when he arrived.  So he arrives, we have some chatter and finish our food and drink.

Now, as The Inexperienced Dater seemed a little new to the dating scene, I wasn’t expecting any sort of footing the bill type of situation. And that’s fine by me, to a point. On our first date, our bill was a whopping $20 and we split it, which seems a little ridiculous to me. Anything under $20, I’m like why are we splitting this? So the bill for the nachos and two drinks was maybe $30, so I just volunteered to pay. I mean enough with the Dutch! So he got a little flustered, and I was like chill out, you can pay for the movie tickets.

So we go to get our movie tickets and the damn thing was sold out.  So we were forced to a see a movie that we weren’t totally jazzed to see, which was fine but damn I was really itching for some Meryl Streep/Tom Hanks time.  Because of this, we now had to wait another hour for our movie to begin.  I threw out going to another bar and grabbing another drink (lush).  He threw out a walk, as he used to work in the neighborhood and wanted to go “see his old building” or something.  So we took a 30 minute walk with him relating old work stories and me frankly not caring.  Another guy perfectly content to drone on and on, and not totally grasping the concept of the conversation volley.  Like, here’s an idea. If I ask you a question on your job, hey why don’t you ask me about mine? Brilliant!

So at this point, I was somewhat regretting this second date altogether! Luckily this particular movie theater had booze! At least I can wet my frustrations with a nice glass of Malbec, right? So he went to go get M and M’s and asked me if I wanted anything. I said I was fine with those. Then we moved to the beer and wine counter.  He seemed a little hesitant so I ordered my glass of wine and asked what he wanted.  So I go into my wallet to get my card and a couple beats later I see him go for his wallet, and again I’m like well I’ll just get these.  So clearly not a super take charge guy – but again, why are we splitting something that is like $10?! I mean wouldn’t it have made sense for him to pay for all the refreshments? I mean I paid for the food and drinks prior.  And he paid for ….. a movie ticket? Maybe this is how men feel.  Haha.

So along comes the movie or as I like to remember it, the straw that broke the camels back.  About 25 minutes into the movie he opens up the peanut m and m’s he bought and DOES NOT OFFER ME ANY! What kind of cheap date nonsense is this?!!! I mean even if you go out with friends, you always offer them the refreshments you purchased? Right? I mean does this guy live under a rock? Never interacted with people before? What gives?! I bought you a beer and you can’t share a peanut M and M??

Finally, his reactions to the movie we were seeing were like over the top, to the point, I was like okay, I think this guy is definitely on the spectrum. He’s not great with the social cues, but had no problem wildly reacting to the movie on screen, talking to himself, and flailing his hands when he found the character was not doing something to his liking.  Note, we saw Phantom Thread everyone. Not Captain America.

Throughout the movie all I could think was, what was I doing on this date? And then I got sad.  I suddenly remembered all the great dates with my ex bf and even with the slightly unstable, loose bladdered guy I was in a casual relationship with.  We had some great dates! This was not a great date. And I wanted to leave.

So finally movie over and in my mind I can’t get out of there fast enough. Nobody doesn’t share their M and M’s with me! Nobody! So we get outside and I call a Lyft immediately. Give him a platonic hug and say “this was fun” and then inform him I ordered a Lyft and it will be here in 2 minutes and “no need to wait for my or anything”. Code for get the fuck out.  So, as he was a bit robotic and again didn’t really get any of my cues he goes “Wait, I don’t get it. Do you want me to wait with you or no.” DUDE WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT OUT LOUD. That’s something that’s perfect for an inner fucking monologue! Gah.  So I again reassure him I’m fine waiting alone and bye, thanks.  I give him another really weird hug, he finally gets the drift and he’s gone.  FINALLY.

So apparently my signals were still mixed because three days later on the dot, he called me again! Saying how much he had a nice time and blah blah blah. Ug, what? So … I just didn’t call him back.  The next day I get another weird text where he told me he was going to some show on Tuesday and that if I wanted to come too, then hey he’d be cool with that. WHAT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!

I mean he was a very sweet guy but just not my person and why is it always the people you have negative 2 percent interest in that keep asking you out! So now was the time for my “don’t feel any romance vibe” line and The Inexperienced Dater was actually super polite and nice about it.  And we wished each other luck and on we went with our lives.  So a good ending to a weird couple dates.

Honestly, I think The Inexperienced Dater just needs to keep dating! Despite being 36, he seemed absolutely clueless and for me that just doesn’t cut it anymore, if it ever did.