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It is with much sadness that I declare my nearly two months long relationship with the GF Guy fini! Done! Over! See ya later pal.

Phew, what a ride slash sort of horrible trainwreck.   To sum it up in one coherent sentence, I had some fun, lots of good sex, but phew not someone anyone should be dating anytime soon.

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First off, I think I misnamed this fella.  Initially I called him the gf guy because he had just come out of a five year on and off relationship and I felt like he treated me like a girlfriend right from the get-go.  This was true for about the first week or two, at this time he was also really sweet and thoughtful so I called him Sweet Kev or SK for short. Then the next couple weeks he became Sleepy Kev as he would fall asleep all the time and most of his bad behavior revolved around him being so tired from his night shift job. The last week he became Shitty Kev, because he became, well shitty.

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I guess you could say this is the normal trajectory for a lot of relationships that don’t work out.  Things seem great, people are on their best behavior, then as time marches on the real self emerges.  And you either like that person or realize wow, not what I signed up for.   You also either start to really like the person or again realize, wow just not what I’m looking for. All of this happened and while I think I gave him about five too many chances, my goal with this relationship was to really work on my communication skills and be less of a doormat.  In my last relationship, I tried to be too laid back and never communicated to my ex when things bothered me. I let him sort of drive the bus and that eventually left me broken hearted and in the dust.  So with this one, I was way more upfront when things bothered me yet unfortunately found myself being stepped on a little bit.  Less so, but still. Ug, need to stop that from happening.

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Writing this out is going to partly embarrassing because I left out a lot of stuff in my last couple of posts for fear if we did end up together, I wouldn’t want people to know my significant other did X.  I think at the time, I chalked most of these things up to his schedule and the whole tired thing so I let them go.  And there were related to that, but jesus Cat Lady get a grip.  But I’m seriously appalled now that I put up with literally one of these behaviors, let alone all of them. But ALL HONESTLY ON THIS BLOG ALL THE TIME.

So let’s talk about the evolution of Sweet Kev to Shitty Kev!

  • So what I left out of my second post about him, the one about our mini break to his family’s ski house was the fact that he peed on me. That’s right. We’re not talking golden shower people.  He was too tired slash drunk and peed on me in his sleep while I was spooning beside him.   What a literal wake up that was.  I was like ummm why is my back all wet? What I ended up doing was getting out of the bed and sleeping in another room.  When he got up in the morning and didn’t see me next to him, he assumed I was in the bathroom which I was.  However, he had no idea I hadn’t slept there all night. When I confronted it about it, at first he denied it which is weird.  I was like FINE. If you think I’m lying, feel free to go and feel that mattress down there. Next thing I know he’s throwing sheets and the mattress pad in the wash. Then he confessed that that used to happen a lot but hadn’t in forever.  And it must have been because he was so tired.  So while I was mad and grossed out, I do know that this does happen to beer guzzlers and so I let it slide.  Red flag number one.
  • In our third week of dating, I had him over for dinner. He had to work most nights at 11, so I planned to make dinner and he brought over some wine. I didn’t really expect to drink anything that night if he had to work at a hospital in a couple hours, but when he had one glass I didn’t really blink. When he had a couple, I got concerned.  When I really got concerned was when post coital, he gets dressed then goes to the bathroom. I have a teeeeny tiny apartment so the bathroom is literally in my living room and I hear him getting sick.  When he comes out, I ask him if he’s okay.  He said he was fine and that he had some bad reflux.   I know he has some pretty bad reflux issues but in the back of my mind I was like, did you make yourself get sick because you had to jettison all that booze you drank before work? Sketchy! The worst part was that I had to clean it up! My toilet was covered in red wine barf! So nasty.  Red flag number two.
  • In our fourth or so week of dating, we had a fun night going to a concert which ended kind of early so I wanted to go out after. I could tell he was tired, but it was only 11 and I wanted to go for one night cap.  So we go to one bar and we get a drink and he’s like rushing me to finish, finish, finish. I was like hey man cool it.  So he gets fed up and walks out of the bar, which I then follow and confront him about.  He tried to soothe me over with some hand holding but I was like eh, no thanks buddy.  So we go back to his apartment where I assume we’re going to talk about what just transpired. Instead he passes out in his bed and I literally cannot wake him up. I get on top of him and start hitting him in the face. I shake him.  I tell him to please wake up because I’m worried and upset. I almost woke up his roommate/brother.  I thought that maybe I was getting ghosted in person.  Like was he pretending to sleep to get rid of me? It was all so odd.  We had made margaritas that night and I had brought over my really nice antique juicer.  So assuming I wasn’t going to see him again, I ran upstairs and spent 20 minutes looking for the damn thing. I may have been getting ghosted in person but damn straight I wasn’t losing my juicer! The next morning I get a “where’d ya go babe” text and we had to have another discussion about communication and why it’s not okay to just pass out on someone.  Red flag number three.
  • Turns out, SK had some minor/major drug habits.  Drugs are weird.  I still think cocaine is insane but apparently in the young sect, it’s no big deal.  SK was a bit younger than me so I guess that fit.  When it first came out when we were hanging out in a large group, he asked me first if he minded if he did some.  I was like hey, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but just from what I knew about his physical well being, I recommended he didn’t.  I honestly didn’t notice any difference in his behavior so I just didn’t really care.  The second time it came about, he forewarned me that it was going to be at his apartment and he wanted to take some and again asked if I minded.  I was like look, I’m not going to ever tell you what you can and cannot do. I’m no one’s mom.  So we made an agreement that if I didn’t like how he acted on it, he wouldn’t do it anymore. Fine.  The ironic thing is, after a couple lines of cocaine, he was probably the most alert and focused and cool.  So that’s sad. Red flag number four.
  • About five weeks in, despite all these things happening, we were still hanging out. Overall things were good except there was a constant disregard for my time.  He was always late to hang out.  We would make plans to hang out and then he’d tell me he promised his mom he would eat a lobster roll with her, so I wouldn’t see him till nearly 10 pm.  Or we were supposed to hang out at 7, and he decided to move a bunch of couches and so we didn’t end up again hanging out till 10. Or he didn’t get enough sleep, so can we meet an hour or two later? Always so last minute too. So here I am, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I should have been more mad at this, but I know he had limited normal hours off to get stuff done when he wasn’t sleeping so I was trying to be flexible.  But the worst was when he asked me if I wanted to have lunch on a workday and go shopping for some new glasses.  I was like wow, this is fun and seemed like a good pseudo girlfriend task.  Day of lunch, I leave work and go 20 minutes on the train to meet him.  I text him and nothing.  30 minutes later I get a text that he just woke up and completely forgot about our lunch.  He was like “you didn’t go all the way down there did you”. Umm yes. That’s what you do when you have plans with someone. You show up. So we got into a little fight over text about how he didn’t appreciate my time and how despite his schedule being crazy, like you need to keep plans you make especially when it involves someone leaving their work to spend time with you! After work, I get a text from him asking if I was hom yet? In my fantasy dream world, I imagined he had left me flowers to apologize and wanted to know if  I had seen them yet.  Well no.  Instead he had the nerve to ask me if I still wanted to go help him pick out glasses after work. YES let me totally go out of my way and help you out after getting stood up the first time.  I ignored him for hours.  Lunatic.
  • The last week or so we hung out, it mostly involved him just falling asleep all the time.  Our sex life has bottomed out to the point we had occasional morning sex but nothing more.  The initial hookups were pretty hot and heavy and he had this annoying habit of asking me sex questions all day which I actually kind of hated and tried to shut down as much as possible. But as the weeks progressed, that basically stopped and we became this boring couple that just got takeout and like watched movies which he then fell asleep at. So it was basically like I was hanging out by myself.
  • The last week there were definitely some bad communication issues.  He just seemed more distant though despite all this we had agreed to another weekend away to a casino.  That weekend just felt off somehow.  He just seemed way less affectionate to the point I confronted him about it. I had imagined a fun, romantic weekend at the casino.  Instead he played craps till 5 am with me watching until I couldn’t stand up anymore.  I felt like he was barely touching me, not reciprocating any of my flirty advances, and when I went to kiss him he would turn his cheek! WTF.  Something just felt really off.  It got to the point where I confronted him about it.  Here I am stranded in a hotel with a guy who I’m getting the feeling is just not as into me as he used to be. I asked him if he wanted me to be there and if he liked me at all.  He claimed everything was fine and proceeded to gaslight me and call me crazy.  I realize that I have some PTSD from my last relationship where my boyfriend at the time seemed great and then a week later told me he didn’t really have any feelings for me. So I feel like I am very on guard for any signs now but I was not making this up. Something felt weird! The rest of the weekend was fine but again just seemed to lack any kind of intimacy.  We were together for 2 days and had sex once! WHAT IS THIS? Something was UP.
  • The last straw was when on Sunday, after spending a whole weekend together, I still wanted to check in with him.  He had some family party all day and when he asked how I was, I told him not good and relayed him the story about how my sister’s cat had fallen from her fourth floor balcony, broke its leg, and needs to now have it amputated.  A traumatic day for her and I wanted someone to talk about it with.  His response? “Oh no!”.  Then nothing. Not a how is your sister holding up.  Not do you need anything? Nothing.  Then it really dawned on me. I don’t think this person gives one tiny shit about me and I think this needs to be over.

So …. I gave it a day.  I didn’t hear from him at all on Monday and was like you know what I’m either getting ghosted by the person I just spent the weekend with or I can     preemptively cut this off which is probably what I should have done by the 3rd red flag. Maybe we should have had more talks about where this was all going or what is deemed proper communication two months in. But frankly, I think the writing was on the wall.

So while watching the new, very inspiring Lady Gaga documentary, I reached out. He answered back with a simple Hi.  I simply wrote back “Mood?”, hoping it would get across that I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from him all day.  But nothing.  So I wrote,

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2 hours later I get some response about how he was sleeping, then his phone died, and how he was at work. Snooze.  Then in the morning, as some sort of defense since I called him out on a potential ghost.  “I would never, ever, ever ghost you“, he said. But then WHAT was happening? I just felt like the whole thing flat lined in those last couple of days and I just didn’t think all of this was worth it.  Shouldn’t relationships continue to grow and progress and you should feel better how things were going instead of worse and worse? Yes, of course!

I honestly don’t really know what I was thinking these last couple of weeks.  I did like him and we had a good time.  There were certain bright moments and I guess I thought that we could work around this schedule and I could get him to lay off the drugs, take care of himself better, and get some sleep. Or even the fact that to be with me he would want to do that. But that was not happening here.  There was also part of me that loved having a romantic buddy again, even though the romance really died about half way in. It’s fun to have someone who seemingly cares about you and you can have fun dates with and cuddle and what not. That stuff is great! But just so not worth it with too much work.

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The guy was selfish to the nth degree.  I really don’t need a lot of gf maintenance. All I ask is that you keep your promises, don’t fall asleep or pee on me, apologize if you barf in my toilet, and respect my time and place in the relationship! None of those things were happening.  I think deep down there is a good, sweet person inside him but his job and his sort of hectic approach to life just turned him into sort of a monster to date.

Sigh. So bye bye SK! It was fun until it wasn’t.  Here’s hoping he’ll grow up in a few years and get his life together. But as for me, I’m moving on to someone who is just a touch more considerate and maybe sleeps more than 2 hours a day.

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Boy bye!

 

 

 

 

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Heyoooooooo.

In the current dating world where sometimes even second dates feel as elusive as a a rainbow colored unicorn, there are occasional happy moments where you find yourself DATING someone.  Ahhhh, the dating phase which I would define as simply, undefined.  You’re not exclusive, but you’re talking every day and hanging out a couple times a week and doing the whole getting to know you thing.

In my history of 500 dates, this hasn’t happened to me that often.  Maybe a handful of times? When it has happened, it’s really fun and makes you sort of eh, about going on any more bad dates with blah dudes, but it’s also pretty anxiety inducing as you flap in the wind wondering if this is going to turn into SOMETHING or be just nothing.

So the last I left you all, the GF guy and I had planned a weekend jaunt to New Hampshire! His family are big skiers and they have a house up there so cheap digs plus woohoo cozy New Hampshire town in the summer vibes. When he asked me to go, a mere couple days after our first date, I didn’t even think about it before saying yes. I guess I felt pretty comfortable with him and also being stuck with someone who I barely knew for 48 hours seemed thrilling!

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NH was fun! It was a great mix of fun and getting to know someone more as we were stuck together for a couple days.  We did a good mix of outdoorsy stuff, boinking, dinners out, and a hilarious night out at this weirdo New Hampshire club filled with both rednecks and bachelorette parties dressed as Disney characters.  Overall, I just feel very comfortable with him, like I’ve known him far longer than a couple weeks.  I don’t think I’m head over heels (prob a good thing) but I’m enjoying myself and I like him! Some things I learned from that weekend:

  • GF guy broke up with his GF in June! Oooof. They dated for 5 years off and on and sounds like he instigated most of those. From how he tells it, they had a lot of fun but she was mostly crazy (aren’t all ex gf crazy?!) and he never thought they would be together forever. This gives me pause and it’s a bit hard for me to drown out the voice in my head saying REBOUND but I’m try to just be mindful of the fact that whatever some people are just relationship people who really don’t get off of that wagon for long.
  • When we went to the weirdo club, we had a really fun time! He was a fun dancer and after one too many vodka tonics and some Fireball shots we really let it rip. However, it was interesting to see him a little bit more drunk than normal.  I hadn’t seen that yet and ….. well not my favorite side of him.   Sometimes he was sweet, but mostly he felt a little manic and annoying.  I mean who likes really drunk people? But at one point I felt like I was momming him a little, shushing him when he was trying to talk to strangers and/or taking his phone away because he repeatedly was trying to call Ubers, even though the service was bad.  I was like shhhhh simmmah down.  So I’ll be watching this side of him for sure.  Ain’t got time for sloppy drunks!
  • Dude is really tired all the time.  So the deal with the GF guy is he’s a nurse and works the night shift exclusively. The guy never sleeps! So he subsists mostly on a couple hours here and there and lots of Red Bull! Oooof. It’s not the most healthy lifestyle and he’s working with it, but it’s definitely going to be a challenge. Not that I’m like some straight edged, vegan, ultra marathoner, but I’m a crazy person about sleep and eating semi-well.  Maybe I can force feed him kale smoothies or something?

So now I’m into week three with GF guy.  We didn’t see much of each other last week because of our schedule but we’re pretty good about communication.  He came over for dinner one night before he had to go to work and as we continue on here, this will probably have to be a regular occurrence. The schedule thing is tough! But I think it’s something we’ll just have to really work with and if we want to make it a priority of seeing each other we will. And if not, well, boy bye. But all in all I enjoy my time with him, even more so every time we hang out, so that’s a good sign.

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I’m still on the fence of whether I should keep dating people though? It’s always been a fantasy of mine that this dating game will play like the Bachelorette and I’d be having fun dream dates with many men simultaneously and then get to choose the one that I like best after months of all of this.  Sadly, NOT REAL LIFE and I find myself getting attached to people probably sooner than I should which makes it really hard to try to date other people.  I think that’s just how I’m emotionally built dammit, so we’ll see if I can muster up the strength to keep on the dating apps and I really should.

On Monday, his communication was kiiiiiiinda lame and I was like ready to say, welp that was fun.  I’m being ghosted! But then everything was fine.  So yeah, I should figure out mentally what I’m doing here before this gets too out of hand.

 

 

 

 

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So while I’m in this lightening round relationship with the GF guy, I thought it would be a fun exercise to keep dating other people. I think with online dating, it’s tempting to just really like someone and while you’re seeing where it goes, you just stop going on dates. I think in the next week or so, if I still am pretty hot and heavy with GF guy, I really will not be going on any more dates, but at this juncture it’s probably wise to not put all my eggs in one basket. In other words, keep filling up my dating bench.  Therefore if GF guy suddenly turns into Asshat Central, I can just sub in one of the guys on my bench! I mean in a perfect world …..

So in reality, I had planned a date with The Oenophile probably like a day after my first date with GF guy. So while I do feel pretty invested with GF guy, I thought it would be a good test to go on dates with other people, both to see if I’m missing GF guy at all and also in case other dudes are somehow even better!

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The Oenophile reached out as he was a big movie buff and he became enamored with my podcast – which I do shamelessly promote on my dating profile.  So at first he was like a superfan, as once I gave him my number he kept texting me quotes from my own podcast. I was like god dammit, am I going out with a potential stalker here? But he calmed down after a while and we decided on a Monday night date to go drink some wine somewhere.

He’s really into wine – getting some degree in some wine thing and works at a wine store. Also sounded like he was very recently out of a relationship.  Like his entire first paragraph of his profile was dedicated to this and also about “making new friends” and that sort of left me ehhhh because seriously stop with the trying to make friends on dating sites people.  Go to a fucking library or something. We ain’t got time for that.

So I had to cancel our Monday date because GF Guy asked me to hang out, so I bumped The Oenophile to Wednesday and when the day rolled around, mostly I just wanted to stay home and finish my 600 page Stephen King book, but for research purposes I put on a hot dress and sauntered into the summer air!

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Since The Oenophile is a wine guy, I let him pick the place and while I was psyched it was super local, it was literally my least favorite wine bar/restaurant on the planet.  It has the tiniest pours and all this really delicate food that really does nothing for the lush/overeater in me.  If I’m paying $80 bucks for dinner I want to be A. drunk and B. never feel like I have to eat again. Call me crazy!

So The Oenophile was lucky to score a seat on their modified patio and I was a couple minutes late. He didn’t get up to greet me (which I felt was funny) so I just was like “Hey, I’m Cat Lady” and sat down.  He was dressed in a too big for him blazer, even though it was 80 degrees out and while it was sweet that I think he wanted to look nice for me, like holy hell hot pit stains.  I let him order the wine and much to my chagrin he went for glasses which I guess is a good strategy not knowing if we were going to hate each other and bolt after one but we planned on getting dinner, so just for cost savings, no bottle?

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All in all the date wasn’t bad – but he just was a little too meek and mild for my taste.  He was a huge movie buff and I am too, so we talked almost endlessly about all our favorite films. He kept throwing in some pretty niche movie references that I didn’t get, though pretended too yet also doing all these interesting actor impressions and quoting all these lines. I think he thought he was hilarious, but oops, sort of painful humor to me. So I laughed along because he seemed a little nervous but as the night progressed, just wasn’t into his sense of humor.

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I learned he was unemployed – or more like between jobs as he put it, was subletting near by but was moving to an apartment in a different town with 2 other people next month and was applying to grad schools and maybe moving to CA sometime next year.  I mean despite him being a nice guy, all those things just don’t really add up for me, though mainly the fact that he’s 38 and still living with lots-o-roomates.  God, no.  Why doesn’t there seem to be any adult men around these days! Like oh my god, I’m a single girl and I’ve managed to scrape up enough dough to live alone. Like roomates? At 38? And while I applauded his gumption in wanting an advanced degree, I think I just see myself with someone that’s just a little bit more settled in life at this point.

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So the check comes and despite him picking the place and ordering all the wine (which ended up being 3 glasses each at about $13 a glass), we split the bill.  So, I’m still coming to terms with what I feel about splitting the bill. I absolutely always offer, but this seemed like an interesting situation. Nevermind that the food we had amounted to like 3 bites per person.  Jesus christ if I ever pay $20 for a bowl of quinoa with flowers on it again, feel free to shoot me. I’m fine with splitting, but I still am just sort of bowled over that the guy is a true adult/wooer if he does pay.  It’s not like I have not gone on further dates with guys who wanted to split the bill, but sadly something does make my heart go slightly aflutter if there is the offer for them to pay! It’s a serious conundrum to my feminist heart!

So date’s over. We both lived in the same direction so caught the same bus and headed home.  He said he had a good time and would like to do it again, and feeling a little cornered I said sure, and then even suggested we see a movie? What the hell was I thinking? I mean I guess I would go out with him again but really what is the point? I just don’t know if I want okay dates to translate into second dates anymore? But it was a good exercise and interesting to compare him to GF guy and the past week with that whole thing.  Now, how do I get out of a second date? Hmmmm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Girlfriend Guys are an interesting breed and one section of the male population that seems to be elusive to me. I mean it makes sense right? They are into monogamous relationship and aren’t out in the wilds of online dating for long.   You have to snatch them up when you can get them, semi-fresh off their last break but not too fresh so you’re not part of the sowing royal oats rebound.  You could have fooled me that my date from last Wednesday was a gf guy, but a gal can be proven wrong.  Quick summary of the last week!

So the GF Guy messaged me on OKCupid with a simple and direct, “You’re beautiful!” and some info about his name and asking me some questions about my profile. I’ve been doing this thing recently where I respond to every message I get, just in case some weirdo message turns out to be a cool guy (in most cases WAS NOT) and really I was glad I did with the GF Guy. He seemed pretty genuine and we both liked trivia, so decided to do that at some point.  I gave him my number but it took awhile to set up a date because he’s a nurse and works nights.

A week later, we finally settled on a Wednesday night date to do some trivia and even though I had made plans with friends that night, I decided to do both, which meant drinks with friends for a couple of hours and then trivia with GF guy.  I felt a litttttle shady showing up to our first date two drinks deep, but girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

So my impression prior to meeting GF Dude was that he was going to be a fun guy. His pictures were somewhat blurry so I didn’t get a total clear read on what he looked like but I was mainly going into it with let’s have fun and if I was really into it, perhaps he’s a good person to get over my sex hump with.

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I broke up with my last boyfriend at the end of January and as I’m moving on to new people and new dating, I really just wanted to get the sex part out of the way.  I only dated my last boyfriend for a year, but compared to the rest of my life which was pretty much Slutsville Central, that’s the longest I’ve ever boned one person and oh I loved him, and all that jazz and having sex again with people I maybe didn’t really know or love was terrifying yet exciting.  Phew, good to get that out.

So GF Guy was fun! We had a lot in common, including randomly going to the same college (though he dropped out junior year). He was a couple years younger than me but basically had his shit together, but mostly he was just really fun and HAD MOVES. He flirted but not in a gross way, made a point of paying for everything and made me laugh. Bonus he just moved into an apartment literally down the street from me. So in my mind, I was like welp, even if this is just some booty call sex thing, helllllla convenient.

So after a pretty dismal game of trivia in which we lost pretty damn badly, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar near both our places to hear some live music. It was at this point where he sort of sweetly started kissing me on the head and then that turned into some light making out. All well and good. And then we went to another bar to hear some Grateful Dead Cover band. Randomly his brother was there and I got to meet him which was like whoa, what is going on here? Literally I dated my last boyfriend for an entire year and I met ZERO, count that, ZERO family members.

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Then all of the sudden it was 1 am and I was drunk, drunk, drunk.  Whoops! So at this point, I was like wellllll I could like continuing making out with him and then just call it a night OR I could get my sex hump out of the way by, you guessed it, humping.  So that’s what I did and I had some regrets mid-thrust because it just dawned on me that I didn’t really know him that well and that my last one night stand was quite a bit ago and the thought of being that person again wasn’t exactly leaving me empowered.  So because this was going on in my head, after we were through, I very politely made him go home and hoped I didn’t ruin this whole thing with my sluttastic ways! I also maybe cried a couple tears as hopefully that was my last bit of grieving my past relationship!

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Well it’s been a whirlwind week with The Girlfriend Guy.   We’ve had three dates in a week and we’re going on a mini break this weekend! Basically this relationship is moving at a lightning fast paced and I’m just trying to take it as doing something new. Again, my last relationship moved at glacier pace.  Little did I know that was because my ex-boyfriend was a commitment phobe, intimacy phobe lunatic but he was my first real relationship and I didn’t know what the F I was doing.  So in the last week here’s what transpired here:

  1. Friday night – a record two days after our first date, GF Guy took me to an old movie that he had wanted to see for awhile. It was great fun and he held my hand in the movie the whole time and then we got a drink afterwards and just chatted.  He invited me to go away with him the next weekend and it didn’t even dawn on me to say no, since I just felt really comfortable with him.  He had to work that night, so we just made out a bit in front of his apartment building.
  2. We basically text all day which is again, really nice and I don’t have to worry about that stressor of early relationships where you don’t hear from them for days on end and then think they have ghosted you only to have them contact you a week later with Wazzup?
  3. Monday he invited me to go out with a college friend and his gf that were in town and that was really fun because I got to see him around his friends and got to see what kind of people his friends were.  They were great and we had a really fun time! Again and I’m sorry I have to keep bringing this up but my last boyfriend would not let me meet any of his friends until we were FIVE MONTHS into our relationship. So crazy. So great time and we had a sleepover that night and everything was all well and good.
  4. Saturday we go on our mini break to his family’s condo.  A whole 24 plus hours so this should be interesting to say the least! A great way to get to know someone really fast!

All in all I’m super excited about GF Guy! He’s over the top sweet and nothing seems to phase him. He’s not working with any stupid dating rules about waiting to call someone or I need to wait until X time to introduce her to people in my life or go on a trip or whatver. I think he just goes with the flow and from my literally one week from knowing him, seems to be a legit nice guy.  From some light FB stalking and a small mention of an ex the other night, I can basically gather that he got out of his last relationship 4 months ago which isn’t the best but not the worst and hopefully this puts me in the not rebound category. But I’m just taking stuff day by day and having fun with someone who seems to genuinely like me! Imagine that!

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BabyZax

So in my last post, I hadn’t totally decided yet whether I was going to keep on trying to play Baby Sax OR if it was better to just let that whole show end.  After a very un-intense week of really boring AF text messaging, I decided that this relationship was going nowhere fast.  Here’s how the last couple of weeks went – Baby Sax would basically text me a “Hey!”, we would banter for a second and he would ask me if I had plans that night. What the ever loving fuck?

I’m not a high maintenance girl or anything (says probably every high maintenance girl) but here’s what spontaneous plans say to me – especially in the very beginning of a relationship. It screams I don’t care about you enough to actually carve out advanced time to hang out with you, so I’m going to leave it till the last-minute because this makes me look like I’m not trying that hard and girls like that.  Okay, let’s set the record straight. Girls do not like that. Even if I’m like eh, I don’t even really like this guy and kind of just want to see if I can bed someone 9 years my junior, I still would like to know at least 24 hours in advance if we are going to be hanging out.

So I’m going to chalk this up to him being young and just wanting to have fun or whatever, but my 34 year old self is just not up for the rando spur of the moment date.  I literally ain’t got time for that. Also, what I don’t have time for? See below.

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So while Baby Sax finally got the hint, and tried to book me 24 hours in advance, he neglected to mention that our little date would not start till he was out of work ….. at 10:30 PM.  What the ever loving fuck? Dude. Listen. We’ve been on one date. It was fun. However, there is no way on god’s green Earth that I’m rolling up to your apartment for “wine night” at 11 pm after you put in a thimble sized amount of effort here.  If anything, you should be coming to me! It was at this point I was like listen, if you want to hang out at 8 pm or earlier on one of your nights off, hey great.  I mean I had to draw the line.

So then I didn’t hear from him for a while and assumed he realized we really weren’t on the same page here. Great, I thought! That was easy.  But then he kept texting me! And whoopsie I just stopped responding and then just kept getting emojiis sent to me and part of me wanted to be like hey you’re too young and I’m not really sure I want to keep up this banter when the end result is probably just going to be really unfortunate jack rabbit sex and me waking up an hour from my apartment with a headache from too much Yellowtail Shiraz.  Let’s be honest.  But instead, I was like fuck it I’m ghosting you.  You need to learn this can and will happen after one okay date and then never being able to get your shit together to ask the other person out again. Boy needs to learn!

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So let’s hope Baby Sax has played his last jazz solo at this point.  Boy, bye.

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Question for the crowd.  At what age would one specifically be referred to as a cougar? Is it more about the difference in age between older lady and younger gent? Or more about the age of the lady? Actually, I would just like to ban the word cougar from the lexicon until there is a male equivalent. What do you call men who date significantly younger women? Just a man, right? Lameeeeeeeeeeee.

Anyways speaking of awesome older women who date younger men (will work on more condensed one word description and send to Oxford later)  last night I found myself out with a 25 year old saxophone player! My first date procured on Coffee Meets Bagel! Baby Sax and I had some good chats last weekend but he kept wanting to go out for spontaneous drinks and I was listen lil buddy, girl’s gotta plan.

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However, we were able to see eye to eye this week and wrestle up a Thursday date night. We initially made plans to meet at a dive bar but then got into a chat about our favorite fancier cocktails and switched to a fancy cocktail bar day of date.  In our brief day long text exchanges I didn’t get like crazy 25 year old vibes from him except when he asked me if “i liked memes”. Tee-hee. What’s a meme?

Day of date, I had basically heat stroke due to the fact that I felt like it was a good idea to clean my apartment from top to bottom, despite having No AC, living on the top floor, and it being 90 degrees out.  So I really almost cancelled, but I was like dammit my 25 year old window is probably going close if I flake on this punk. Better just go!

15 minutes before we were supposed to meet I got a frantic text. “OMG I fell asleep! I’m so sorry. Will be a little late!” Tee-hee. How 25 of you! Thankfully, I was also running the same amount of time late due to a disabled train, so it really didn’t bother me.  I got to the bar first, got some seats and then proceeded to wait for the tiny babe to walk through the door.

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Tiny babe was cute! Tall, nice hair, good hands, spunky dresser and not like screaming 25 or anything! He seemed sweet and for most of the date we had nice banter about random topics.  Seems like a relatively driven 25 year old as he’s in grad school, has a full time job, lives alone.  I found myself relating to him stories about when I was 25 (perhaps self consciously) and even uttering phrases like “Wow, I had so much energy then!”. Ooops.  When I moved to this city he was in 9th grade! Wild.

By hour 3, our convos started to drag.  Baby Sax wasn’t the best question asker. I don’t think he asked me any questions now that I think about it? Man, do I hate that. Regardless of age, step up to the plate and try to get to know somebody.  I found that if I wasn’t asking him questions or telling some HILARIOUS anecdote, then there would just be silence.  The last 30 minutes he kept having work emergencies and would be texting on his phone to his coworker.  I found that a little rude.

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Check comes and we split the bill and walk outside.  I was about an hour commute back to my place, so time to drag my old ass to bed.  I assumed he didn’t like me but he asked me what I wanted to do next! Odd. Was he expecting this date to go on all night? Was it a subtle come back to my place gesture? Hmmmm. Sadly, I told him I was ready to hit the sack, but had a fun time.  We traded hugs, though I felt like there was almost the lean in for a kiss, and then he told me to let him know I got home okay.

Baby Sax was sweet but needs to fill out in many areas.  I can see him being a real stunner with a few years of living under his belt.  I guess that’s the issue with younger men. While your 20s are great fun, you kind of got to get through them to get to the person who you’ll eventually be. He’s headed there but got a couple more years till he’s a fully formed person.  I was like huh, maybe I could keep him around for an occasional boy toy situation but how fun is that if we’re constantly splitting the bill and he probably stinks in bed? But I could be wrong. Verdict is still out!

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For someone who is allergic to gluten, you’d think that joining a dating app called Coffee Meets Bagel would be ill advised.  However, I’m mildly enjoying it, about as much as I enjoy a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee! Coffee Meets Bagel has actually been around for awhile. I believe it started out maybe five years ago and was primarily web based and pulled directly from your Facebook profile.  It now has a pretty nifty app that makes things easier and I would say in general the premise is a good one.

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Basically, every day at noon you get 6 “bagels” sent to you every day.  In some cases, they’ve liked you already so if you like them too, then you can start talking. Sometimes they haven’t seen you yet, so you either pass or like them, then hope for the best! The profiles are pretty scant but in general give you all the info you need. Age, height, location, what you’re looking for with a potential mate. Once you match with a “bagel”, the site sends you an icebreaker question that you filled out when you were putting together your profile. So something like “Ted says he likes mixed martial arts and football! Ask him about it” or in one case something like this, which in that case I would say Joshua please proofread.

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There is also a Discover section of the app. Where you can try to match with people outside the 6 bagel rule.  However, if people who are in the discover section haven’t liked you first, then to potentially match with them you have to “Take” them and in order to do that you need coffee beans.  This is where it gets a little too video gamey for me.  Like is this Candy Crush or a fucking dating app? What it really is is a way for the app to make money. You can earn coffee beans by connecting your Twitter, Instagram, etc. You can also earn beans by inviting other hapless singletons to the app. But mostly you need to buy beans.  And I have stooped to this just once. I saw a really good match and was like dammit not enough beans, so coughed up .99 to get the amount of beans I needed to attempt to connect with him.  So far nothing, so .99 not well spent.

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So… back to matching. So once you match with a bagel, you can start chatting. But if you don’t message within a couple days, the chat line closes. I think you can reopen at any time, so it’s not like an end all to conversing but it does light a fire a bit under your ass to get stuff started. So far I’ve had some decent convos with my matches, but sadly most have fizzled out.  I have procured one date and I’ll be writing that up a little bit later.

Overall, I think Coffee Meets Bagel is about a B dating app. I like like how you get five guys to focus on per day, versus just wading through the murky waters of dating sludge on somewhere like OKCupid. I think it mostly struggles from a lack of options, possibly fake profiles to make up for that, and the annoying paid part with the whole buying beans thing.  But already I’ve gotten more dates from it than Bumble (that’s right Bumble, I still hate you) and I guess that’s a sure fire win.

 

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July is a weird month to be dating.  In general I feel like summer is just really hard to pin people down.  While the weather is great for date night activities – drinks al fresco, sunset sail, boning in a 90 degree stuffy apartment – men just seem all over the place.  I’ve now had not one but two pre-ghosting (new term I made up! Also, SAD) situations in which someone asks if I want to get drinks, I say sure and give them my number, then they ghost.  But mostly, what I would deem good, going somewhere conversations are getting dropped left and right.   Where’d did you go sweet child? Where’d did you go?

In the midst of what I can only refer to as a July Lull, I’ve still gotten hit with a couples dating situation, a 30 year old who was still drinking Franzia, and stumbled upon a profile of a whatever the opposite of dominatrix is (submissive?) who is interested in water sports and mummification. And if you think water sports include water skiing or tubing as I did, you’re in for the shock of your life.

See below.

The Mummy

IMG_9342 I consider myself a pretty liberated person sexually and have no judgement for whatever gets you off, but I think I do have to draw a small line when it comes to MUMMIFICATION. UHHHHH.  This guy did not message me, but I came upon his profile and just had to share.  For all intensive purposes this guy claims that he does want a girlfriend and a normal relationship yet how his really specific goals for his sex life is going to mesh with that, dude I just don’t know.   When I write “try new things” on my profile, I refer to salsa dancing or candle pin bowling.  Also, for the not so in the know, “water sports” apparently = urinating on someone aka a golden shower aka sounds like a hot mess and smelly.

Third Wheel

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Requests from a couple always leave me with a nice ego boost! Woooohoo, I’m cute to both men AND women! Wait. I’m still single dammit! But I’ve been tempted to meet a couple just for the story I would have.  What do they look like? Are we going on groups dates? Would it be like the woman becomes my friend and we can talk about girly stuff but I also let her touch my boobs, etc? But for realz, just not interested in being an accessory to someone’s marriage anytime soon slash dealing with anyone else’s lady parts but my own.

Bad Vocab + Wind Connoisseur

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So I reached out to this dude because he seemed relatively cute and I was testing out OKCupid’s new feature where you can comment directly on people’s picture.  His picture was of him at some dive bar and had some clever quip and I was like hmmm clever quip + dive bar, LETS GET MARRIED. Unfortunately our messages turned into Dullsville territory. Case in point, the above.  When I inquired if he goes to this dive bar in the town he lives in, a particular fav of mine due to their pint sized mixed drinks – he told me he gave up hard liquor at the age of 30. Rats! So then I asked if he gave up drinking all together and he said he was still into beer and wine. Hence, the above convo.  Is varietal really that uncommon of a word?? But more importantly, no to the big box of Franzia.  The last time I had Franzia I was 22 and kept a box of it in the trunk of my car one summer that I would just bring out to random house parties I would find myself at. ONLY ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR DRINKING FRANZIA. So I aborted immediately.  Boy, bye!

 

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Over the last month, the dating gods have only bestowed one date per week to me. Lucky? Unlucky? Though I’m kind of liking this schedule as it means I’m mostly focused on one person at one time, and it also fits into my social schedule which always seems to explode when summer hits.

After that weirdo date with The Rude Sailor and as I was on the train headed back home, I got a message from Mr. Nice Guy No Chemistry on OKCupid.  It was long and a little rambling but I was intrigued. He looked kind and normal and ironically had the same name as my dad! We had a lot of the same interests in movies. And he seemed very excited about messaging with me. Who could ask for anything more!

We messaged back and forth through most of the night, and then he asked me if I wanted to get a drink sometime. I gave him my number and didn’t hear back from him till Friday.  We planned to hang out on a Tuesday and so done and done.

I liked how Mr. Nice Guy No Chemistry kept his messages short and to the point – he didn’t want to endlessly chit chat via text before we even met it seemed, which I am firmly on board with.  We met on a stormy night at a Mexican place by my apartment which was already like night and day compared to my last date. Mr. Nice Guy No Chemistry asked where I lived and offered to come to me. What a gent!

He was there a touch earlier than I was and so when I walked in, I spotted him right away, and for all intensive purposes, he looked just like his photos. The bar was crowded except for one empty seat so he graciously let me sit down, while he stood, and then he told me he just got a bonus at work, so drinks were on him! Hooray!

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Truthfully the date was great! We had some good chats about movies and where we grew up and our parents and siblings and being aunts/uncles. We laughed a lot! I learned he was Israeli (cool!), was def not pro-Israel (good to know), used to be in a band, only drank Jack and Cokes, keeps a spreadsheet of businesses that support Donald Trump in order to boycott them, and gets a big boner for recycling.

Despite the good chats, I just couldn’t get into this guy. He really was not a bad looking guy, but I found myself shrinking away a bit when he tried to touch me. Oof. Bad sign. He also kept burping a lot from the Coke he was drinking, and smelled like cafeteria peas (I have the weirdest, most specific sense of smell connected to past memories!) Bottom line, this date felt nice and friendly but my lady boner was not pitching any tents.

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If you’re familiar with this blog and my 4 years of endless dating, you know that chemistry is a big thing for me.  It’s the one factor that separates regular joes from the love of your life. Of course you’re not going to have chemistry with everyone you meet. If you do, you might want to see a therapist about that.

 

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However, am I chasing the impossible dream here? I used to think so and that maybe the ultimate chemistry I was seeking in someone who was also nice and not a crazy pants, was an illusive unicorn. But after securing my first relationship last year, I know that this is not true! You can have it all.  So I stand by that and really just don’t feel like going on dates with guys I don’t want to touch anymore. Amen, sister, amen.

Continuing to be the perfect gentleman, he waited with me until my bus came and we traded a nice hug and he said he had a great time and would love to do it again “if I was game”.  So I guess that was a clever way to put the ball in my court, and even though in the moment I answered with a possibly overly hearty “You bet!”, after a week of mulling over it, I decided not to.

I have done the “Well they seem nice, give them another shot” second date many times.  IT HAS NEVER WORKED OUT.  I just know myself too well and can tell when I’m excited about someone. I think some people can really learn to love someone. I just am not one of those people and damn straight will continue to be looking for my illusive chemistry unicorn!

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Whew.  Well I’m still in a bad mood about this. I might still be mad about it when I’m 85. I’ll let you know. The Rude Sailor is my new best worst first date story (possibly the title of my dating memoir), nearly toppling that guy who yelled at me in public a couple times on another first date aka Mr. Anger Management.

For what it’s worth, all the messaging that The Rude Sailor and I did prior to meeting up on a Tuesday night was all well and good. He talked about sailing a lot btw, not a real sailor. I didn’t get the sense he was a rude dater. I thought he was straight forward and kind of no-nonsense and had maybe not the best sense of humor.  But we had some light banter on random things and all evidence pointed to a serious dude, not a rude dude.

I guess my first inkling should have come when he set up the date.  At first, I was happy he showed a little bit of gumption – suggested we try this bar on the other side of the city where I live, instead of us waffling for where to go.  But then as I thought about it more I was little pissed.  He knew where I lived, yet picked a bar that was probably a stone’s throw from his own house versus a long bus ride for me.  I think the courteous thing to do is to meet in the middle for first dates and while I have had the luxury of suggesting bars near my own place on many occasions, it would only be if my date also lived in that town.  I’m not going suggest some guy schelp across town to meet me! So with hindsight, I should have suggested a place a bit more in the middle, but sue me, I rolled with it.

So I show up a little bit early as my bus was miraculously on time for once. I settled in, told him I had arrived but to take his time and then ordered a Dark and Stormy for myself. He walks in at 7:30 on the dot and things just got weirder from there.

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My first impression of the Rude Sailor was that he was not so great looking. He looked very tan, with glasses, a shaved head, and some bad acne.  I think immediately I was not very attracted to him, but was hoping some stellar personality would pop out.  He ordered a beer and proceeded to chug it while asking me sort of rapid fire questions about myself, not really giving me time to answer before he was either asking me a new question or trying to get clarification on what I said. He thought that I was a manager of bookstore, and when I told him close, but no he asked me if I was sure? Umm no. WAIT. YOU’RE RIGHT. I TOTALLY FORGOT WHAT MY CAREER WAS AND SHOULD RELY ON YOU TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS. What the hell dude?  He claimed he had studied me on the way over (my dating profile?) and that’s what he thought I put.

After chugging his beer, he asked for another, and then closed his tab.   He then said it was because “he didn’t want to drink anymore and not because he was leaving yet.” He then asked if I wanted to play pool and I said sure and he jumped up out of his seat to where the pool table was. Wait for me? I finished my drink and got another one and went to go meet him at the pool table.

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Here we actually had an okay time but again sort of like rapid fire questions that didn’t leave me time to answer much. Plus anything I asked him he either did not answer or turned the question around in some weird way. He asked me if I liked sports and if I liked cartoons, specifically Family Guy. I asked if that was still on, haha, and proceeded to share with him a cartoon that I did watch and I like, Bojack Horseman. He had no idea what that was and asked me to say the name about 25 times, though despite this still called it Jack Horseshow.

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During this time, Extreme Bingo was starting up! I had told him when he checked in prior to the date, that I had looked up that Extreme Bingo was tonight at that bar.  During the date he told me had looked it up once I told him it was a thing at the bar and tried explaining the game to me. He went up to the announcer to get the cards, to show me what it was all about but told me that he didn’t want to play. I did want to play and suggest we play both pool and Extreme Bingo! Something to do at least, as conversation wasn’t a strong point. But overall I would say this part felt like normal date stuff. We were laughing and goofing around. He would give me fist bumps when I got a ball in.  I mean it wasn’t horrible. I didn’t really see any potential but I wasn’t having the worst time in the world.

So then he hits the last ball in, chugs the rest of his beer, comes over and says “Well I’m going to go,” says nice to meet you and literally leaves me standing alone with a pool cue in one hand and the bingo scorecard in the other! It was 8:15. That’s right.  A whole big 45 minute date! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?

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So a couple theories here.  Either Rude Sailor has another date lined up at 8:30 down the street, or else he’s a rude dater.  I think for many people this is ACTUALLY what online dating is like. For me, it just hasn’t been, and nor would I  ever be that rude to a person. Even if I’m not that crazy about someone, my dates are a minimum two hours and two cocktails long. I don’t mind and actually kind of enjoy talking to another human being for a couple hours even if I don’t want to get like 2 feet close to their junk.  That isn’t a waste of time for me, as this is what I’ve committed to for the night, but for some people it really is.  And that’s all well and good but A. It makes the other person feel like shit and B. Well what about MY time? It took me an hour to get over to that damn bar and then an hour plus to get home.  So really it’s just insanely selfish and weird and is it really a shocker that this guy is still single if this is how he treats dating?

I mean is it fun to reject people like that? Do you get a kick out of it? Because this guy had the personality of an angry mop and basically the acne of a teenager, so it’s not like he was god’s gift to women. But maybe he thought he was!

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So I ended sticking around the bar for another half hour, because I wanted to finish my damn Extreme Bingo scorecard. And no I didn’t win the $10 gift card or the entry into the raffle to see NKOTB. BUMMER.  Then I took myself out to a nice dinner at my favorite fancy restaurant and tried to take a mental shower to rid me of that last really weird 45 minutes of my life.  So all was not lost and I did gain an excellent story for the blog, but man-o-man I hope I never have an experience like that again!