Relationship Review: The Bartender

 

In my last post I mentioned having a great first date a few weeks ago! About time, right? A week before Halloween, due to one of many Monday night online dating binges in which I rapid fire message or contact a bunch of guys to see what sticks, I started talking to The Bartender.   Our messages were quick and fun and when a few days later we also matched on Tinder, I thought it was time to see if this was meant to be.   Matching on two dating apps simultaneously?!  The dating gods are trying to tell me something….

I organized plans for a Friday night date and we went out the first week of November.  Man, that date was a doozy.   Since we matched on OKCupid first, Tinder second, I can’t totally blame my level of fun on this being a Tinder date but so far my track record with that app is 2-3 that I end up having an all night date with the guy.   I should think about doing a more scientific study on that.  But anyways the date was a doozy.  We bar hopped and then met his friends downtown.  Then we went back to his place and drank wine and watched Dumb and Dumber.  I slept there but nothing happened.   I honestly had a great time, one of the best dates I’ve been on and could not wait to see more of him!

A bit about the bartender.  He’s my age and from a town outside Boston so has the cutest little rough around the edges Boston accent.  He’s a former teacher but now bartends full time. Or at the moment he actually teaches bartending school.   He’s a pretty smart guy and he knows it, though I don’t think he is used to dating someone as smart as he is.  I felt like he is used to knowing a lot of things and probably impressing girls with that knowledge.  Well, right back at you buddy! I had actually a lot of fun getting into some intense “smart” conversations about politics, etc.  Being a bartender, he does tend to drink a lot.  Not in a falling down drunk kind of way, but like do not try to keep up with him kind of way.   And lastly, he’s a smoker.   For the long term, I don’t think I could date a smoker mostly because I really don’t want to deal with their early death or horrible health problems.  Also, if we have kids, definitely not happening.  But just for right now the smoking didn’t bother me too too badly.  I mean he didn’t reek of smoke or taste like smoke or anything.

 

So for date number two, I met him at a bar near his house for some dinner.  Then we went back to his apartment and watched THREE MOVIES (ug too many) and drank some wine.  We were up talking till nearly 4 am and while I slept there again still nothing physical happened except an intense make out and some second base action.   He did inform me that I was his first online dating experience and could not believe how lucky he was.   Now this has me wondering.  So he’s 32 and he’s never online dated? Either he meets girls other ways or has been in a long-term relationship.  So that’s interesting.  I didn’t see him for the rest of that weekend but we chatted throughout and at one point he asked me whether he should delete his Tinder app after his first Tinder date ever? Also, INTERESTING.  Deep down the I need a boyfriend girl in me was YES, EXCLUSIVITY ALREADY.  But then the rational, maybe don’t settle girl in me said TOO SOON.  But, yes interesting.

I set up date number three – asking him if he wanted to go bowling at this combo bowling/pizza parlor place in my hood.  That was last Friday.  Overall, we had a great time. After pizza, we went to an Irish bar and drank a few pints and listened to Irish music.  Then of course, back to his house to drink wine and watch some TV.  I slept there again and since it was date three and all, I decided to try to move things towards a home run! Well, let’s just say that did not happen and I’m not sure if that’s because he didn’t want it to happen or physically could not do it.  We talked about it a little and he said I made him “nervous” because I was “so pretty”.  Huh.  Well I wasn’t sure how to get around that so settled with just lots of cuddling for the rest of the night.   Overall, another successful date but the lack of physical stuff started to freak me out.  I mean, I’m totally fine about waiting a few dates before that stuff happens. I probably should do that more often than not, but still. It gives me pause!

 

The next day I made it a point to question nearly all of my girlfriends about what this meant.   My mind immediately jumped to erectile dysfunction.  Okay, I realize that that is a HUGE leap to make in some cases.  Maybe all that wine really affected him. Maybe it’s the smoking.  Maybe he really likes me and doesn’t want to rush into things.  And why is it do I believe the last one least of all!  Strangely enough, this is now 3 out of 4 guys that I’ve gotten intimidate with in the last year that have had this problem.  I feel like this is  a question Carrie Bradshaw’s would pose in her Sex and the City column…….”Are the only single guys left ones with impotence?!”

After date number three, we talked throughout most of the next day and I was happy about this.  The last time a guy I dated had an “embarrassing” moment in the sack, they never called me again.  Total penis shame/ego blown syndrome.  This time around I wanted to make sure he knew that I still liked him despite whatever happened in the bedroom.  But then…. I didn’t hear from him for two days.  I felt like I had done a lot of reaching out so decided not to extend any communication for a little while.  This progressed into Monday and by then I was all doomsday this relationship is over.  So yes, while I’m at times rational other times I’m your typical crazy, needy girl. It happens to the best of us!

 

So finally Monday night I bit the bullet and threw him a line.  He answered immediately and we’ve been chatting again pretty consistently.  So maybe this “relationship” isn’t over.  Having slept on it, I realize that regardless if it is or isn’t, there are definitely a few things about him that I’m not too sure about.  And because I love lists, here they are in no particular order:

1. While I think a bartender is a credible job, the schedule is a pain in the ass.  To make any decent money, you have to work till 2 am on the best nights of the week.  When would we see each other?

2. Obviously, the smoker thing is a big one.  If we ever became a couple, I’d have to sit him down and say, “It’s either the Camels or me!”.

3. Am I just his wine beard? So I’ve noticed that every time we’ve gone out, he drinks a cocktail or cheap light beer. We’ve now gone back to his house three times and drank copious amounts of wine.  Can he not drink wine by himself? Am I his wine beard? Also, he drinks way too much of it! I’m a big wine drinker but drinking too much wine in one sitting is just not fun.  I mean by the third glass you can barely taste it anymore!

4. Crazy sports fan alert.   So he’s really into sports.   I mean it’s New England – you’d be hard pressed to find a guy who isn’t.  But he legit told me he wanted to name his first-born son Brady after Tom Brady.  Yikes! So while I appreciate sports and all, I get the feeling that something that probably gives him pause about me is that I don’t give a crap about sports.

5. The maybe could be erectile dysfunction?

So there you have it.  I want more hang out time to decide if these are deal breakers or not.   Also, this lasp in conversation made me realize why it’s always important to be dating or at least talking to a few guys at a time so that when one torpedoes you don’t lose all hope and tattoo “spinster” to your forehead.

 

The Biggest Tease in the World is now the Biggest Psycho in the World

 

 

At this point in my life, I’ve been on a lot of online dates.  And you know what? Generally I feel pretty good about it.  Sure, none have worked out to the level I may have liked but I have had very few weird stories or horrible first dates. I consider myself very lucky in this sense.  Until a few weeks ago that is.  The first week of November was sort of a shit-show. First off, my apartment got broken into.  Total bummer but somewhat expected after living on the first floor for a number of years. Also, we have a bad habit of forgetting to lock our windows.  Oops! The good news is we have very little to steal and I’m sure the thieves were pretty pissed to find out that my wallet that they stole had nothing but an expired license, a Boloco rewards card, and a maxed out Macy’s card.  GO TO TOWN YOU ASSHOLES.  Secondly, my apartment also had no heat.  I was sleeping with a hat on for two weeks and going to the gym to hang out in the sauna.  Of course once our landlord finally got around to calling someone to look at the furnace and realized what was wrong with it, OF COURSE the parts we needed had to ship from like Zimbabwe and they took a week to get here.  Anywhooooo. Last week was probably not the best week of my life. (Actually I had a really good first date but more on that later!)

 

 

The cherry on top of this week from hell sundae features none other that The Biggest Tease in the World. Let’s all remember him.   First date cancelled on me because of combination office reorg and his grandma dying. Just typing that out makes me realize how ridiculous that was. First date take two was awesome and ended with me ecstatic and having a crazy dance party in my kitchen, until I never heard from him again. Oh well. Another loser to add to the pile. Or so I thought.

Saturday night I had been out with some friends downtown.   I was somewhat hungover from a good first date, so cut the night short and was home around midnight.  As I’m putting myself to bed I get a text message.   I keep my phone sort of an arms length away from my bed, but from that distance I saw that it was a paragraph size long text.  Who could that be I wondered?! Turns out it was The Booklover aka Biggest Tease in the World and now The Biggest Psycho in the World.  Psycho explained to me that he had been “stuck” in California for the last month and that was somehow supposed to explain his absence.  Last time I checked they did have cell phone towers in California, but hey, what do I know? He also said he flew in that night and was going to ask me to dinner that night but realized it was too late? Okay, first off. Nice gesture and all but what girl in her right mind would be like “Hey guy who never followed up on our awesome first date. You bet I’ll drop my Saturday night plans and hang out with your sorry ass!!”.

I decided to play it cool, which was probably a big mistake on my part.  He asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow (Sunday).  He said something cute about getting his haircut in preparation for the date (if you remember our first date, I was the one who got a haircut and told him when he cancelled on me that he was really missing out b/c my hair looked so awesome!) and we settled on a time and a place for the second date the next night.  Looking back, I think I was mostly in such a good from the great first date the night before that I probably was way too nice to this kid.  I really should have set him straight then and there, but I kept remembering how much I enjoyed our initial date and thought giving him one more chance wouldn’t hurt anybody. Big mistake. HUGE.

So Sunday rolls around.  I go for a run.  I read a bit and do some freelance work.  I hop into the shower, put on a new dress, and head down to the train station.  Lucky for me I looked at my phone right before boarding the train because I realized I had a text from The Psycho. One sentence that read “I hope you didn’t leave yet! I need to cancel!”. This was at 5:10, a mere 50 minutes until the start of the date.  I was floored! I answered back “Are you serious”. Then “Hello?” Once again, no follow up text. No apology. No hey sorry but my uncle died this time and I can’t go out.  No, sorry I am off to a witness protection program. See you never.  Nothing. Poof, like he disappeared.

 

Honestly I have never encountered anything like this! If I hadn’t had the one good date, I would dismiss him as a crazy person.  But I know he’s not crazy! Well at least I thought he wasn’t crazy.   Now I definitely do.  But the point is, he wasn’t a sketchy dude.  I can’t for the life of me figure out what his deal is.  Maybe he gets off on planning dates and cancelling them? Maybe he has some physical ailment that pops up every now and then and he can’t be seen in public?  Maybe he’s a secret spy and is constantly being called into covert ops against Russia or something! I mean I have exhausted each and every theory.

If I ever hear from him again I am going to tell him to lose my number.  Screw me once, shame on you.  Screw me twice, shame on me!